Mx. Lena Queen, LCSW, M.Ed.
3 min readFeb 11, 2024

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The Interconnected Path to WHOLE-Self Healing: Understanding the Relationship Between Sexual Pleasure, Grief, and being Present

In the complex tapestry of human emotions and experiences, lies an intricate interplay between sexual pleasure, grief, and somatic healing. This delicate relationship often remains veiled, yet understanding its nuances can illuminate a path toward becoming a more present and attuned lover. Embarking on this journey not only fosters personal growth but also has the potential to transform relationships and draw positive international attention to the significance of holistic healing.

At the core of this interconnectedness is the acknowledgment of trauma’s enduring impact on our emotional and physical selves. Trauma, especially when rooted in past experiences, can manifest itself in various forms, including grief. Unprocessed grief can act as an obstacle to experiencing pleasure and intimacy fully. Conversely, the exploration of sexual pleasure can serve as a gateway to navigate grief and facilitate somatic healing.

Central to this exploration is the understanding of somatic experiencing — the integration of mind, body, and spirit in healing. Our bodies often retain the memory of traumatic experiences, which can hinder the ability to engage intimately and authentically. Somatic healing endeavors to address these somatic imprints, allowing individuals to reconnect with their bodies, paving the way for profound healing and increased presence.

When delving into the realms of sexual pleasure, it becomes evident that it transcends mere physical gratification. It intertwines with emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and the capacity to be fully present with oneself and a partner. For many, trauma may have severed this connection, creating barriers to experiencing pleasure. By acknowledging and navigating these barriers, individuals can embark on a journey toward healing and reclaiming their capacity for pleasure.

Grief, as a response to loss, can profoundly impact one’s ability to engage in intimacy and experience pleasure. The emotions stemming from grief — sadness, anger, or numbness — might overshadow the potential for joy and connection. Addressing unresolved grief is a crucial step in releasing emotional blockages and rediscovering the ability to embrace pleasure and intimacy.

The intersection between sexual pleasure and grief is a delicate yet transformative space. Engaging in pleasurable experiences can evoke emotions tied to past losses, enabling individuals to process and release these emotions. Likewise, acknowledging and addressing unresolved grief can pave the way for a more profound connection with pleasure, fostering a more present and attuned experience of intimacy.

To become a more present lover, one must embark on a journey of self-exploration and healing. This journey involves confronting past traumas, processing grief, and reestablishing a harmonious relationship between body, mind, and spirit. It demands vulnerability, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace the entirety of one’s experiences.

By integrating somatic healing practices into our lives, such as mindfulness, breathwork, body-centered therapies, or somatic experiencing techniques, individuals can cultivate a deeper awareness of their bodies and emotions. This heightened awareness facilitates the release of stored tension and trauma, allowing for a more profound connection to oneself and others.

As individuals embark on this transformative journey, the ripples of their healing extend beyond the personal realm. The cultivation of present-loving and attuned individuals contributes to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. This shift in interpersonal dynamics can spark conversations and initiatives globally, highlighting the importance of trauma-informed approaches to intimacy, pleasure, and healing.

In essence, the relationship between sexual pleasure, grief, and somatic healing unveils a transformative path — one that leads to greater self-awareness, healing, and the capacity to become a more present lover. As individuals navigate this interconnected landscape, they not only unlock their potential for intimate connections but also contribute to a global dialogue on holistic healing and the profound impact it has on relationships and society as a whole.

About the Author:

Mx. Lena Queen, LCSW, M.Ed. (Queen/they), is a clinical somatic sexologist and integrative psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience in trauma-responsive social work. Through their work, they have helped countless individuals reclaim their power and embrace their Erotic Selves. “Healing The Erotic Self” is their latest offering — a groundbreaking guide to sexual shadow work and liberation. For more information about Queen and their consultation and coaching work, please visit SistaSexologist.com.

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Mx. Lena Queen, LCSW, M.Ed.

Clinical Somatic Sexologist, Erotic Coach, and Self-Liberated helping folks dissolve sexual distress with embodied safety, embodied wellness, & self-trust .